Been a struggle of late.....

Yes it has been a struggle of late and mentioned in a previous post that my health sometimes stops me from feeling like playing poker, so hence the no post of late. I feel tonights is worth a new post just so you know I am still trying very hard to over come the pressure I feel everyday in my head and body. I hate playing when my heart just isnt 100% , but I must plod on, and I want to plod on. But we all know poker is and can be very cruel, and again it shows its ugly head. Why cant I run like the Cheeses Monster who binked a $22 tourney yesterday for $20k. I guess its because his volume puts mine to shame really, and the guy deserves everything he wins. But even he is mixed up with backing and make up, so its not all plain sailing even for the likes of the Cheeses Monster. So back to my little world of 10c cash tables and trying to Sat into the bigger tourney's on offer..... I just dont have the guts to buy in every night into the bigger tourney's, I dont know why, well I do its because I am shit scared of dropping like €100 and knowing the time it would take me to grind it back up. I know I need to play bigger or I might not ever make this 10k...... But tonight was again a little nearer the target, note the little*. I managed to bag myself a seat in the nightly €33 Bounty for just €3.30 when I binked the river flush with my 9 of clubs on a 4 club board. Not bad considering 10 seats all in and no-one had the 10, Jack, Queen , King or Ace of Clubs so thats my little luck. So by 7-55pm I had settled in and cracked open x6 cash tables, with 1 being a little higher than normal of 12/25c. For the life of me could not hit a hand on that game if my life depended on it. But I held out and I was determined to play all 6 cash tables while still in the Bounty game. The fact I played a total of 1150 hands during my Bounty game should give you a clue to what happened...... I played good even folding twice UTG with AQ and both times would of had to make some tricky decisions. Yes I got lucky in 1 hand when I shoved to Isloate a shorty with my A5 suited which I had raised with UTG +1 I think. Its something I dont make a habbit of doing, but just throw a curve ball in now and again. The guy to my left tanked for ages and made the call with JJ. Shorty had K10 I think or sim. The turn bringing the Ace and I collected a big pot plus a bounty. But of course it works both ways and not long after I have Ace 10 in Mid Position and BB calls and the flop is Ace 10 2. Money goes in on the turn and he shows Ace Jack and Boom the Jack hits on the river. Cost me another bounty. But swings and roundabouts I guess. I take another 2 bounties making a total of 3 and cashed lying 19th out of 40. But the AQ was my demon and should of folded it pre-flop but when a shorty is all in and your on the SB and have him covered with about 40BB I dont hesitate to shove and Isolate, come on how many times does the Table chip leader have a hand after you? Not many, prob 1 in 50 times, well that 1 in 50 was this time and he flips 99 I miss and just like that I am out. Out in 33rd, Yes I collected €40 for the bounties and €21 for the cashing. Yes not bad for €3.30, but it should of been more for sure..... So of course when I go out I also close all the cash games. Frustrating session in the cash for sure, and it looked like a couple of players defo had me marked for something because they out played me time after time, even when I had the AA for the 1st and only time tonight They lost to KK. But overall happy with the volume of 1150 hands and I can handle the loss of €16, yes another red blip on the month's chart but you cant win them all...... Overall happy with tonight, but I just wonder what could of been........